Basketball is a beautiful sport but, damn, the NBA doesn’t want you to know that.

At its best, the game flows without stoppages. I once watched a magical game that went almost ten minutes without a break, foul or timeout. Spectacular.

That’s what we deserve. What we have is  mandatory TV timeouts so broadcasters can run more ads. We’ve strayed too far from Kareem’s light.

Thankfully, when I’m god-king of the universe, my power will be unchained from the brutish requirements of capitalism. I’ll change the NBA however I please.

I just want good basketball

All of my changes unfurl from three assumptions:

1. The goal of the NBA is to create a free-flowing game winnable by on-court skill and strategy.
2. Offence and defence should be treated equally wherever possible.
3. Breaking the rules should never give someone an advantage.

There’s also two overarching principles that should only be broken when necessary:

1. The game doesn’t stop.
2. The clock doesn’t stop.

Put another way…

Don’t waste anyone’s time

A 48 minute game shouldn’t take 2.5 hours to broadcast. The final 2 minutes of a game shouldn’t stretch across 10 real minutes. That shit is going into a nice, efficient bin.

We’ll get two easy wins out of the way right now:

• Ten minute quartets (for a 40 minute game).
• Game tip-off when they’re supposed to tip off.

I know the first one is controversial and has been discussed at length. I don’t care. I’m god-king. We’ll use the time saved to broadcast starting line-up introductions.

Here’s the flow: broadcast starts, we get a bit of schmatter to set-up key points of the game, starting line-up intros, tip off.

That’s it. We ball.

The final two minutes

Let’s unwind purgatory.

The last two minutes of a close game should be the most electric, tense part of the game. Instead, it’s often like crawling through a trench someone dug to fix a leaking septic tank.

It’s just a flood of intentional fouls, free throws, reviews and time outs designed to turn an electric, back-and-forth sport into a tedious chess match where the grandmasters can’t actually move the pieces.

I, bravely and heroically, say “no” to all that.

First, the rules won’t change during the last two minutes. Right now, two key rules change in the last two minutes of a half just to fuck with things:

1. You can inbound the ball into the backcourt after a timeout (which would ordinarily be a backcourt violation).
2. The “second foul of the last two minutes leads to free throws” rule kicks in.

We’re scrapping both. If you can’t inbound without pelting the ball backwards so your guard can go for a jog then, bad luck, buddy. Execute.

The “second foul” thing just punishes teams that didn’t foul up to that point. If you go into the end game with only 2 fouls compared to your opponent’s 4, that’s an advantage you deserve to play out.

Speaking of fouls, let’s get into it.

No-one will like my foul calls

I don’t like watching free throws. They’re dull. And fouling someone while they’re shooting shouldn’t be an advantage.¹

Therefore, all free throws will be:

• One shot.
• Worth 2 points on a 2-pointer attempt, taken from the free throw line.
• Worth 3 points on a 3-pointer attempt, taken from the top of the arc.
• Worth 1 point on an and-1, taken from the free throw line.
• Worth 1 point, taken from the free throw line, after an intentional foul – and the team keeps possession.

You can see how that last one plays into my last-two-minutes changes, right?

Taken together, those changes would make free throws wildly faster and limit the benefit of shooting fouls overall.

They would, however, make free throws more valuable and thus encourage more infuriating foul baiting.

These changes would be combined with an overall rebalancing of officiating. Defenders would be entitled to their space as much as offensive players; if a shooter initiates contact by jumping into the defender, that’s a foul on them. (Even if a defender bites on a pump fake, in some cases; dribble around them, DeMar.)

We’ll allow a bit more bumping and physicality overall. We’re not talking Rockets/Warriors 2025 playoffs levels or anything – the goal is just let the players do their thing.

We’d partner this with a much tighter whistle – and tech trigger – for truly egregious bullshit. More on this later.

Other ways I’ll ruin offence

We’ll just rattle off some changes:

• Walk back gather step rules about 15 years to limit their gratuitousness while still allowing for creativity.
• Call carries and double dribbles like they were called around the Iverson era (thus still allowing for dynamic movement but cutting some ridiculousness).
• Call moving screens.
• The corner 3 no longer exists.

Woah woah woah time out

Time outs are important but dull. Therefore, we’ll limit them just a bit.

Each half, teams will get:

• Three 90 second time outs (also used for challenges)
• One reset time out, letting them move the ball to the half way line.

Use ’em or lose them.

And the two big changes:

• No live-ball time outs. If the ball’s in play, you play.
• No time outs in the last two minutes of the game.

Challenging challenges

Speaking of challenges, let’s tinker with them. They’ll be capped at 60 seconds. Challenges will be reviewed by the three officials on the floor and one ref remotely. Each ref will see different angles to maximise coverage.

They’ll each vote to either uphold or overturn the call anonymously, with the crew chief’s vote being worth 2 votes (for a total of 5).

But the players will get tired

Cutting time outs and limiting free throws will, by extension, shrink the amount of recovery time players get during the game.

I don’t care. Use your bench. Figure it out.

The clock doesn’t stop

As we said up top, the goal is a free-flowing game. That means we cut any unnecessary hold-ups.

Here’s a big one: a play on/advantage rule.

Let’s lay out my least favourite thing in basketball. A team plays incredible defence for the full 24 second shot clock. The team on offensive throws up a prayer of a shot that doesn’t hit the rim. The defending team gets the ball and goes to run in transition – the single best time to score – but nope!

A ref blows the whistle to call a shot-clock violation. It’s side-out for the defending team. Their opponents, who were so thoroughly beaten they couldn’t get a shot up, now get to go back and set their defence.

That, I say, is bullshit. If you force a shot-clock violation and get the ball – advantage called, play on.

Another example: X passes the ball to Y, who gets an open 3. But X is fouled on the pass. Right now, that’s a side out. But the offensive team might not get a shot as good as an open 3, meaning the defenders got a break.

No more. Call the foul, note it down, but call advantage. Count the 3. Move on.

Its up to the ref’s discretion whether or not to call advantage. They’ll get it wrong some times. That’s fine. Soccer has made it work for yonks. We’ll survive.

In the spirit of keeping things moving: if the ball goes out of bounds and it’s obvious who’s ball it is, just grab the thing and play on (like after a made basket).

Back to egregious bullshit

To make all this work well, we’re going to pump up investment in ref training and resources. We’re also going to create a better working environment for them so being a ref isn’t hell.

For example: each team will nominate one assistant coach to act as the team liaison each game. Anyone else bitches, moans or yells: tech ’em up.

Players and ref can chat, obviously. And I’m not opposed to a player asking a clarifying Q during a free throw or down moment.

But any sulking or Draymonding will be met with techs. And, if you get yourself tossed, that’s fine. No superstar protection here.

Everyone will adjust. The key thing is letting officials do their job – which is to provide and maintain an environment where players can play with minimal intervention.

Process, not perfectiom

I have no interest in every single call from refs being 100% correct. Litigation is dull.

I also have no interest in coaches calling time out after time out down the stretch of games to draw up perfect plays. Call that shit from the sidelines.

All I want, as the humble god-king of the universe, is basketball that flows like a river. Beautiful, elegant and refreshing.

And, look, if it all falls apart, at least the games will be shorter. That’s a plus.