In May 2024, the owner of the Phoenix Suns, Matt Ishbia, said a silly thing:

Ask the other 29 GMs: 26 of them would trade their whole team for our whole team and our draft picks and everything as is.

It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now. Phoenix has the most expensive team in the league. They’re old, they’re bad, and they have no road to improvement.

But let’s be generous. Here’s what would need to happen for the general managers of other teams to swap for Phoenix’s team.

1. Landry Fields, Atlanta Hawks: Fields gets in way too deep with a dancer at Magic City, who forces him to make the move.
2. Brad Stevens, Boston Celtics: Celtics coach Joe Mazzulla stops rewatching The Town for inspiration in favour of Breaking Bad. He begs Stevens to move the team to Albuquerque, New Mexico and Steven says, “Whatever, Arizona is close enough.”
3. Sean Marks, Brooklyn Nets: Marks discovers that the Nets need to make one disasterous trade a decade to stave off the End Times and decides to just get this one out of the way.
4. Jeff Peterson, Charlotte Hornets: It just seems on brand.
5. Marc Eversley, Chicago Bulls: It just seems on brand.
6. Mike Gansey, Cleveland Cavaliers: Gansey gets paranoid, thinking that things are going too well for Cleveland at the moment.
7. Nico Harrison, Dallas Mavericks: Nico Harrison does shrooms in Joshua Tree National Park and hallucinates Kobe Bryant telling him that success lies in the sun. After failing to invest in solar panels, Harrison makes a delirous call to Matt Ishbia. Dallas fans feel nothing. 
8. ???, Denver Nuggets: CEO and President Josh Kroenke gets mad about everyone saying he’s cheap and course-corrects way too hard by chasing after the biggest payroll in sports history.
9. ???, Detroit Pistons: An ambitious chickadee wanders into the office and makes the call to the Phoenix Suns. Pistons president Trajan Langdon is too busy trying to say “Deeeetroit bas-ket-baaaaall” like John Mason to notice.
10. Mike Dunleavy Jr., Golden State Warriors: Steph Curry dares Dunleavy to do it, not thinking he’d actually follow through.
11. Rafael Stone, Houston Rockets: Stone just means to trade for Kevin Durant but a comedy of errors leads to a total team swap. The organisation pivots and makes a 80s-style sitcom out of the situation.
12. Chad Buchanan, Indiana Pacers: Buchanan thinks “I wonder how Caitlin Cooper would respond to this…” while dozing off to sleep and just rolls with it. (Cooper, being one of the best basketball analysts around, nails it.)
13. Trent Redden, Los Angeles Clippers: Redden gets real sick of Clippers owner Steve Ballmer rubbing his leg and decided to blow things up.
14. Rob Pelinka, Los Angeles Lakers: Pelinka’s too blissed out from getting Luka Doncic to make any phone calls.
15. Zachary Kleiman, Memphis Grizzlies: Hot for firing coaches, Kleiman trades for the Suns team on the condition that all the coaching bills Phoenix are included.
16. Andy Elisburg, Miami Heat: Elisburg just really wants to see how team president Pat Riley would respond.
17. Jon Horst, Milwaukee Bucks: The whole Bucks situation just kinda bums Horst out so he makes a change after downing a case of Miller Lite. 
18. Matt Lloyd, Minnesota Timerbwolves: Lloyd decides it’ll be easier to deal with the Phoenix’s problems than all of Anthony Edwards’s illegitimate kids.
19. Bryson Graham, New Orleans Pelicans: The team realises that trading for the Phoenix Sun roster is the only way to banish King Cake Baby from the Smoothie King Arena.
20. Gersson Rosas, New York Knicks: Years of subliminal messaging in the music Knicks’ owner James Dolan’s band JD & the Straight Shot lead Rosas to  do anything – anything at all – to get Kevin Durant on the Knicks.
21. Sam Presti, Oklahoma City Thunder: Presti would never.
22. Anthony Parker, Orlando Magic: Parker accidentally inhales some Stuff the Magic Dragon’s fur and goes on an absolute bender.
23. Elton Brand, Philadelphia 76ers: Team president Darly Morey runs a complex Microsoft Excel formula that returns “fuck it, why not?” and they just run with it.
24. Joe Cronin, Portland Trail Blazers: The Blazers lean into their Nike connetion by getting Kevin Durant (a Nike stalwart) and Devin Booker (whose Book 1 shoes are the best Nike basketball shoes in years). Everyone else just assumes they’re invited as well.
25. Monte McNair, Sacramento Kings: McNair and the Kings owner, Vivek Ranadivé, get into a psychosexual game of one-upmanship in which each fucks the franchise in new ways until the other finally feels satisfaction.
26. Brian Wright, San Antonio Spurs: Wemby says “Please”.
27. Bobby Webster, Toronto Raptors: Team president Masai Ujiri wakes with a start, realising he’s perilously close to never having Kevin Durant – the platonic ideal of his wing obsession – on his team and loses all sense of reality until KD arrives in Toronto. 
28. Justin Zanik, Utah Jazz: The move gives Jazz CEO Danny Ainge another squad to tear down and go into perpetual rebuild mode.
29. Will Dawkins, Washington Wizards: Bradley Beal finds a pair of ruby slippers deep in the Arizona desert and says “There’s no place like home.”